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tongue-tied [Dec. 14th, 2007|04:58 am]
looking for a window into your soul.
if and when i find it, will the blinds be closed?
looking for a window into your heart.
if and when i find it, will the inside be dark?
looking for a window into your mind.
if and when i find it, will we both be tongue-tied?
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(no subject) [Nov. 19th, 2007|12:38 am]
i know i've been really bad at keeping up with this journal. i hereby promise to ...try ...harder. yep.
but for now i've got to go clean my kitchen... so here are some recent pics instead.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
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no sun this mourning [Jun. 21st, 2007|10:01 pm]
okay, i'm going to be honest here. i'm a fucking mess. i'm not writing this for attention, or pity, or encouragement. i just need to vent i guess, to vent and be heard. that's all. i don't need responses. i've been a fucking nut case for about two years now. self-isolation, self-destruction, and the sort. i just sat done to play a song that i wrote years ago while i was in rehab, but when i got to the lyric "i can't be your friend, and some stories don't have a happy end" i just started crying uncontrollably. when i wrote the song those words had different meanings but now all i heard in them was puck. and yes, for those of you that don't know, i loved him. i loved him deeply. and i've never lost someone i held so dear to me. not like this. not when the last time i saw his face was looking down in a coffin at a pale hallow empty version of a man i once loved. it's fucked up. so for those of you that wanted him dead from the beginning, i hope it's everything you wished for, cause this way at least one of us can be content.
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ever after [Jun. 1st, 2007|12:15 am]
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
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candle [Feb. 20th, 2007|12:02 am]
just take this candle, it's the one you gave to me
has enough light, just enough to torture me

just take
this candle, it's the one you gave to me
i left you
crying at the alter of your mind

before you let the
world mess up your soul

i lit the candle used to light your hair on fire
left you dying in the shelter of your mind

before you let the
world mess up your soul

"...try to be the girl you once
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bizarre [Dec. 8th, 2006|04:04 pm]
i had the most bizarre dream a few nights ago! unfortunately upon waking my memory of it has been scrambled, so i remember chunks, but not what order these chunks go in. if they have an order... i think they go in circles too.

there was meeting merlin again for the first time. except he was 13 feet tall and really thin, long arms and legs. but he gave me a big friendly hug and we sat down to catch up.
and there was this man who showed me pictures and memories of a long since dead love, and i went back in time to see back when they were together.
and there were these strange glowy drinks that you could order that had sparks and firefly-ish lights bubbling out of it and changed colors, and if you drank it you would see the other side/trip. these drinks were called "spirits" and they were living things.
there were two children (a boy and a girl) who were predestined to be together and they were considered sacred by the rest of the village/tribe. they were playing one day, running down this path which ended suddenly at a cliff, but the children didn't know this and ran off the side of it, falling to their death thousands of feet below. the tribe was devastated. they sent people down the the bottom of the cliff the retrieve the bodies and discovered that the children had landed in a tree. but not just any tree. a magic tree (i'm serious!) which somehow brought them back to life, and there was broken glass everywhere... and wild pigs.
and there was the gypsy woman with all her little trinkets.
i was walking down the street and came across a house that was neither inside nor outside, and peering over the gate at me was a very strange man. he was tall and thin and dark, wearing a dusty old suit and a top hat. he was the "teacher". he greeted me with a mischievous smile and told me he had been waiting 10 years for me, then challenged me to a rousing game of chess. i was his apprentice now.
then i was swimming in this beautiful, clear, blue river/canal with water lilies and big colorful lazy fish. i had a friend with me sitting on the edge dangling his/her feet in the water. and then i started shedding skin. and then i drowned, but after i was done drowning i came back up out of the water. and as i climbed out of the river time started speeding up.
the "teacher" and i went to a small dusty bar and had pizza and "spirits". but the spirits' trip caused me to flashback through the dream, faster and faster ans then this loudspeaker voice came out of nowhere saying: "warning! warning! do not try this again! do not try this again!"
...and then i woke up and found myself flat on my back with my arms crossed across my chest (i always sleep on my side), and the "warning" was still ringing in my ears.
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hurah the weather! [Nov. 29th, 2006|06:47 pm]
ooh, today is all overcast and autumny. my favorite kind of weather. too bad it's supposed to freeze tonight. i don't take to the cold very well.
so apparently, after 6 years of brand loyalty and persistent hording, camel has the nerve to announce that the camel cash program is ending! and all that they have on the website now that you can order with them is a measly handful of coupons! it's an outrage!!! so i just wrote them a nasty email threatening my loyalty as a customer... hopefully i'll get some kind of reaction... and maybe some free stuff.
wow, the sky just turned a dark ominous gray-blue and the clouds are really low! i was just outside smoking a cigarette and the air was pretty still for a bit, and then the wind picked up and the temp. dropped about 10 degrees all of a sudden. i might have to abandon the office early today to go be outside.
in other news: lately i've been having more and more problems dealing with anxiety and stress. over the past few months i've started getting panic attacks for the first time in my life (that i can recall). i've tried to calm myself down and attempted meditation and such, but it seems like it's nearly impossible when i'm already upset. if anyone has any suggestions i'd sure appreciate it.
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feels like i just got punched in the stomach [Nov. 14th, 2006|02:36 pm]
this really sucks. i was just looking through some old folders i have on my email account of emails from years ago and i came across a folder of emails from puck. and this was the first one i opened, it's from may of 2004:

From: "Phix Aetihd"
To: "Elaine Anderson"
Date: Mon, 03 May 2004 13:53:19 -0500
Subject: uh huh

Yep. Dead. I'm dead. Did I not write you back when you last wrote me? I guess not. Whatcha been up to? I dunno what the fuck I'm doin' anymore. Just fuckin' around I guess. I gotta go though. Later.

----- Original Message -----
From: Elaine Anderson
Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 20:49:01 -0700 (PDT)
To: phixaetihd@inorbit.com

are you alive?

...this is all so fucked up.
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(no subject) [Nov. 9th, 2006|02:29 pm]
so are you justified now? are you satisfied?
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i remember [Nov. 8th, 2006|06:22 pm]
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always will
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